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No one is coming to save you. Sorry to start this off by droppin that bomb on ya, but we need to get that established. Throwing yourself into your work, throwing yourself into a relationship, not even (please forgive me) God himself is going to save you if you're unhappy with yourself. You are the only one who has the power to change yourself and ultimately, your life. Your career path, the company you keep, and religion are all wonderful tools to help on this path. I hope to touch on how to use them all to your benefit at some point in this blog, but not one of these things can do a damn thing for you until YOU decide to make the change. And believe me, there is a difference between wanting something really really bad and actually deciding to make a change. There is a difference between wanting to be a size six and actually making the choice to step away from the Ben and Jerry's. There is a difference in saying you want to change your relationship and actually leaving the dumbass already after he said he's sorry for the 10th time. But why on earth would you make a choice and go head on into a huge decision that completely changes your life into something that you don't even know if you like the results!? What if being single is worse than being in a half assed relationship? What if the next job is worse than what you're doing now? What if you lose the 60lbs that you've been carrying around like a security blanket? Our brains are programmed to protect us, this fear can very quickly spiral into "I'm going to die alone, poor, and miserable if I chance changing one thing about my relatively cushy life. Stay put, Jessica. Stay put. It's safe here." I want to tell you my entire life changed because I stood up one day and said, "You know what?! I'm tired of being a weenie! I want to lose 60 lbs and become a writer because that's my passion!" That would have been amazingly brave and I'd be a much cooler person if that were the case. But I was a weenie, I didn't willingly choose to go on this journey. I chose to be a wife, living a small simple life. Maybe there was more out there for me, but who gave a shit? I was perfectly content right where I was. Hell, we even went to Disney world one year. I ain't braggin, but life was good. The choice to dive into this "whats the meaning of my existence?" wormhole was made for me when my husband died. Suddenly and tragically I lost the love of my life, along with my whole identity. This led to nights of crying alone, followed by a wide range of poor decisions. A drink, drugs, someone to share a bed with.. literally anything that would numb the empty ache in my gut. I was 23 years old and scared to death of starting over. Ya see, I was left with a huge void in my life, It had to be filled. I tried to rebound and fill it with another man, it worked temporarily.. enough to distract myself from the real problem... which was myself. I was the real problem. My entire world was flipped upside down and my dumbass brain was literally just standing there clapping and yelling like a college football coach, "All right keep it moving! New fella, you go for the heart. Alcohol and depression, take the brain.. life is continuing according to plan! Fill the voids and push into the in zone!! AND BREAK!" It was a desperate hail mary to resist the changes I needed to make because I was scared. I thought if I could fill Joe's spot and keep it moving as planned, I would be ok. I wouldn't have to face the scary unknowns of depression and greif. But these were my trenches, and it was my responsibility to dig my way out of them. I had to get real up close and personal with every deep dark feeling in me. The recent wounds, and the ones that exsisted before I met Joe. We all have issues. We all ignore them. Why would we dig up these deep roots and deal with them? Its easier to cover them with a pretty exterior and hope everyone buys the lie. I encourage you to dig them up. Make a damn mess when you do it. Get uncomfortable. Hell, make everyone else uncomfortable while you're at it! Trust the people who love you. I can promise you, once the dust settles, you'll be the best version of you. Things still get dark for me sometimes. I am working on my issues, maybe I'll always be a little broken. But I trust in the universe and God. I am authentic. So don't wait for life to force your choice, give yourself the love you deserve right now. It's hard to talk about these things and I'm sure it means nothing to most of you.. but I'm going to talk about it because I know one person out there needs a wake up call. Don't be afraid to break down, you will rebuild even better than before. ♡