The one with the train

October 29th all the way until New Years is an absolute shit show for me. I don't mean the normal shit show that the holidays naturally are, I mean the stopping your car on the side of the road sobbing on your way to work shit show.. also I'm not sure what it is about being in a car that makes me feel like it is the safest place in the world to cry, but I do. Everything about the holidays gives me anxiety and brings back depression. Plus add on the fact that our anniversary and my birthday fall in the middle of December, ya know.. just to rub salt in the wound, it is truly a roller coaster of emotions for 3 straight months. It is every bit as exhausting as it sounds. I have all of the average responsibility of buying gifts, parties, charity, and food. Plus the added responsibility of taking care of myself so I don't lose my shit and go on a week long drinking bender in the middle of December... This would only be a joke if it wasn't a real possibility. If you have lost someone close to you, this time of year can be so extremely painful. I am lucky enough to have an amazing family who celebrates all holidays together. We have parties, and gifts.. It's truly a blessing. But the highs of these events are equally matched to the lows that come with them. The happiness I feel is also a bold reminder that Joe is no longer here to share in the happiness with me. Joe and I loved Christmas. Our third Christmas together we were living in our townhouse. It was the first home we really had together that was just ours. I was so excited to decorate for Christmas I could barely stand it. The weekend after Thanksgiving we ended up staying up until midnight watching movies, decorating, and making cookies. We sat in our little livingroom just looking at our tree, Joe turned to me and asked "You know what we need right?" I said no.. He smiled his huge shit eating grin "A train to go under the tree!" He was always just a gaint child really. So we went to Walmart, at midnight, in the freezing cold, to buy a train to put under our tree. We then, of course, rushed home to put it together that night and sat there watching it go in circles. At the time this seemed like nothing, but looking back, it's everything. I felt no heartache around the holidays, I felt no sorrow. It was blissful ignorant time that I wish I would have taken stock of a bit more deeply, I should have sat on that sofa in the living room with him a little longer, should have taken in that moment a little slower. I expect the sad moments to be sad, that's a given. When I hear a sad song, when I see a picture, or on an anniversary. The worst pain happens when that feeling hits you in the happy moments. When you're sitting with your family enjoying Thanksgiving dinner and you get this overwhelming feeling that someone is missing. When you're putting up your tree and you can not possibly stomach the idea of setting up the train, those are the moments that really hurt. Depression is never cured, isn't that a bitch? You can really only control it. I wish I could end this blog telling you "my top 3 magic tricks for controlling your depression during the holidays", but honestly I don't have those tricks. I simply close my eyes and bear the pain until the feeling passes and luckily it always passes. I will, however, give you one piece of advice.. Be present. Do not let your feelings of sorrow and grief take away from what is happening now. Be at those family events, go to those parties, enjoy it all. Yes, there will be a moment where you look around and you feel that knife in your gut because you are painfully aware of the fact that they aren't there and they should be. Yes, it is going to fucking hurt. But be there, be in that moment. Look at every single person in that room and be thankful they are still there. Those memories you are making with the people you love are the same ones I look back on now and wish I had enjoyed more. You do not know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. This life is going to break your heart a million different ways but it is our duty to find happiness regardless.