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I was not raised by yoga loving hippies. I never kept a journal in my life. (Actually, I was a fairly mediocre English student.) And 3 years ago today I was probably sitting on the couch binge watching Netflix and eating hot wings. Now I'm a blogging, yoga doing, plant eating, lover of life! How the hell did I get here? I failed, that's how. I failed often and miserably. I failed because I tried. I tried new things, and I keep failing because I keep trying.
I was not given this identity naturally. Eariler in life I ,like many others, looked for my purpose outside of myself because I didn't know what I wanted, or who I was. Honestly, I often inherited the identity of whatever guy I was with at the time. Some of you grew up with me and witnessed this first hand. I have been it all, at one point or another. I have been a cowboy boot wearing, country music singing, redneck all the way to a Nike high top rocking, rapping, wanna-be-Nicki Minaj. The photos from these periods of my life are beyond comical. I have tried on many different personalities. Parts of these identities fit, and those parts have stayed with me to this day. I still tear up a dance floor and I still love to shoot guns. But none of them were fully me, that's why they didn't last. I didn't know it then, but this was all part of my journey to becoming my authentic self. Self discovery is definitely a journey, a long one too. It has ups and downs and curves. I didn't wake up one day and suddenly see the light and say "Praise the Lord! I'm supposed to be a yoga doing blogger!" Ok, I'm sure that has happened to some lucky asshole, but not me. I had to struggle to get where I am, I had to fall on my face many times. Growing up I wasn't particularly talented at one thing. I didn't go to college with some unstoppable desire to be something. I didn't even have a steady religion to take refuge in. I thought I found my purpose in my relationship with Joe, my late husband. I knew Joe's heart was not perfect when I met him. He was born with a hole in his heart, and he had open heart surgery when he was 9 months old. The doctors all said he was fine and would live a long healthy life. I fell in love with this hilarious, kind, and giving man, dispite his heart problems. I was a caretaker, girlfriend, and then a wife. I was a damn good wife too. I took care of a house, scheduling, dinners, shopping, my husband, everything.. I felt needed, wanted, and I loved it. We had every intention of living a long life, having children, and growing old together. I put my everything into this plan, this was my identity for years. Full time super wife, Mrs. Lavey. And then I failed at this plan. I couldn't take care of him, or love him enough to keep him alive. That isn't some self pity party. I'm not begging for you to say, "It wasn't your fault!" I know it wasn't my fault. After months of therapy, I can accept that it wasn't my fault. But the point I'm trying to prove to you is do not EVER let your purpose in life be dependent on someone else. I'm sure you love your kids, your husband, your mother, but do you love yourself? If I ask you, "What are the best qualities of your spouse?" You will go off on a 20 minute tangent about how they are wonderful, perfect, and amazing. That's great, I'm positive they shit rainbows. However, what if I ask you "What are your best qualities?" Can you go off on a 20 minute tangent about how amazing you are? Can you confidentially tell me how special, awesome, and great you are? I want to know about your passions, desires, I want to know what lights you up! Yes, I'm sure you're a bombass friend, wife, mother, daughter.. but are you comfortable letting all your happiness and purpose lie in the hands of others accepting and approving of you? Do others give you your identity? Because when someone else gives you your identity, they can take it away. I'm not a loner by any means. I love my family and friends fiercely, but they do not define me. I am me no matter who is there, and guess what? My friends and family love me even more for it! Give the people around you the privilege to love the true YOU! Let me tell you, when you're coming from a real and honest place inside you, you'll be a better wife, mother, person, and friend. You'll be able to give more quality personality to every encounter you have with people. You'll glow from the inside knowing that you are confident in who you are. Even if my entire world goes to shit tomorrow, I'll be ok.. I know myself. I love myself. It took a long time to get here, and I still work on it daily. I came from a dark place where I had to dig really deep to figure out, what am I even living for? When I was no longer Joe's wife, who was I? I became so miserably depressed and confused that I drove away those closest to me. I felt like I had nothing positive to offer them anymore. I was terrified of the path in front of me. For a long time I was scared to rise to my highest self because I was confused by the whole idea. Where do I start? What if I fail? Who am I? and then one day, somewhere between the Jack Daniel's and the crying, I got the answers. Start somewhere, pick yourself up, and figure it out. I had to try so many different things to figure out what I enjoyed. It was like dating all over again except now, I was dating myself. I pulled random ideas out of things that inspired me. Example, I was always amazed by yoga but had never tried it. So I went to a class and loved it. I started working at a yoga studio and loved it. I have now started looking into getting my certification. When I went to my first class I didn't know anyone. I was scared to death. My first day working at the studio I literally sat in the parking lot and thought, "You aren't a yogi.. what are you doing here?" But I wanted to be there! Something about yoga lit a fire so deep inside me that I couldn't ignore it. So I got out of the car. Even though I was scared, alone, and had no idea what I was doing. Thank God I did, I have a passion and I love it. Not all of my plans ended so gracefully. I also decided I wanted to learn to crochet. It sounded like a fun hobby. It turns out it was just frustrating and made my fingers hurt. I had to fail at SO many different things. I had to pick myself up and keep going despite if I looked weak, fake, or if it was embarrassing. The trick to finding your purpose? Start looking for it. Think of it like an awesome scavenger hunt in your head. When you're in traffic, where is your brain? What is your wildest day dream? Are you on stage playing lead guitar in a rock band to thousands of screaming fans? This is, in fact, one of my traffic jam fantasies.. So I bought a cheap guitar, I play it, I suck, and it makes me wildly happy. Because its something I do for ME.
What Instagram pages inspire you? Why? Are they fit, free, helping people, traveling? What lights that fire in you? I don't care if you think it's the silliest dream ever. I have a list in my note book of my traffic jam fantasies. Wanna know my most recent one is? Rock climbing. I have never in. my. damn. life. climed a rock. I dont even know any one who has.. But I am going to try it. I have to try because I refuse to let fear of failure or fear of embarrassment keep me from living my life. Someone out there is living your dream life and they don't think it's silly at all. Save the sea turtles, be a chef, run an animal rescue, be a fitness coach, be president! I honestly believe that if you want something, and you don't let your ego get in the way, you can do anything. Start small, if that helps you take the first step. Start volunteering at the animal shelter a couple times a week before you start tracking down investors to open your own. But JUST START. Do something that is so out of your comfort zone but so true to you! Once you start honoring that real true person inside you, you'll be shocked how quickly the rest just falls into place. You'll make friends who share your interests, you'll be the person you used to admire, you'll have gifts to offer this world and the people around you! You're going to watch me fail countless more times, but you'll never see me stop trying. Repeat after me- my purpose is inside me and I will find it❤
