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If you've ever read or watched Eat, Pray, Love then you know David. David is the love interest after Liz's divorce, David is the guy who helps hold the pieces together until Liz is strong enough to do it herself. This is my David story, his name isn't really David, but that's what I'm going to call him. The other night I drove to David's house to drop off his stuff and to pick up the stuff that I had left. I drove to the house that was supposed to be our house, up the drive way, past the patch of dirt that was supposed to be our garden.. I was going to plant tiger lily's there. I stepped on the doormat that I had excitedly bought when he got the house, to say goodbye to the second man I thought I was going to be with forever. I was saying goodbye to yet another life that I had built. Another man I had trusted and loved. Another version of my future was being taken away and I was left with the unknown.. again. It all seemed extremely unfair. It hurt in every corner of my body. Knowing it was the right choice didn't make it any less painful. We exchanged pleasant remarks. Handed each other what rightfully belonged to them, this was a final symbolic act of the end. We both asked if the other was ok.. It seemed like a silly question, given the circumstances, but it was important for us to know that the other is ok-ish. I pulled out of the driveway for the final time. After I left I had texted him and told him that I wished him well, and that I will always ask the universe for his happiness. I did this because 1. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened and I never told him. 2. We ended things peacefully, I do wish him the best. 3. Probably the main reason, if I'm being honest. My best friend puts it very elegantly, I "like to chew on something until the flavor is gone".. Oh, I wish she was wrong. But I have been known to beat a situation to death until everyone involved is miserable and exhausted. I hang on so long because it WAS good and it WAS beautiful.. I blame my ability to drag things out for our relationship lasting as long as it did. I made this a long and painful experience for both of us because I couldn't let go. The day we officially broke up I asked David to please be an asshole and shatter my heart so I could walk away easier. It's hard for me to let go of people I once loved, I've lost enough people in my life. He wouldn't be rude to me, obviously, he doesn't hate me anymore than I hate him. We don't hate each other at all, but we both know we don't belong together. We had been trying to make it work for too long. (Disclaimer- I'm not saying throw things away if you hit a rough patch. You man up and work that shit out. This was more than a rough patch.) You know that feeling way down in your gut when something is over and you just can't let it go, so you constantly revisit the same situations hoping to get a different result?.. That's where we were. The truth is, our relationship died long ago. We were together in High School for a period of time, because of this he was a special comfort to me for a long time. Truth be told, David was the first man I went to after my husband died. He was like my old favorite hoodie- worn, familiar, and easy to slip into. We found the same old familiar feelings and, unfortunately, the same old familiar problems. We spent a lot of time trying to convince ourselves that we could make it work. The truth was, we aren't meant to work. The energy that we spent trying to save a dead relationship is energy that should have been spent healing ourselves. I should have loved myself as much as I loved him. I wrongly stayed in a relationship that didn't make me completely happy. Do not ever do this. Don't do it to yourself and don't do it the other person involved and call it "love". That isn't love. It's you being selfish because you're scared to move on. I have justified poor quality, hurt feelings, and lack of communication by calling it love. I had no idea why I did these things, until I started studying Buddhism.
I was (and still kinda am) a woman of little faith. This lends to why I've been known to hang onto things way past the expiration date. Jobs, friendships, relationships, situations, feelings, emotions.. I am the queen of squeezing every last drop out of them because I have no faith in what happens when I actually let go. I'm the person who likes things to go my way.. I mean, it's my life after all. If I wanted it to be a certain way, I should be able to have it my way!.. As I type this I hear God laughing at my plans and yells, "SIKE". The faster you let go of expectations of what 'should' be and accept what IS, the better off you'll be. If you cling to ideas of what you think you need out of life to be happy, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. So maybe you got dumped. Maybe you didn't get your dream job. You didn't get the house you wanted. Whatever the case may be, I get it. Life throws us the shittiest curve balls at the worst times. But guess what?.. If the door doesn't open, it wasn't your door. You say, "Thank you universe for keeping from things not made for me." and move on. You do not beat on the damn door until it opens! And for the love of Pete, you do not need to know WHY all the time! The Lord is our Father right? Or the Universe is our Mother? Ok, What do parents say? "Because I said so." point blank. That's all the reason you need! You don't need to understand why a situation is the way that it is. It isn't for you to understand. All you have to do is respect your parents and understand they love you and want what's best for you. I honestly can not tell you why my relationship ended. But it did. I can sit here and bang my head into the wall because things didnt turn out how I wanted and I don't understand why, or I can gracefully trust my parents, honor my best self, and move on to whatever amazing future and love is awaiting me! I'd be unable to move towards my future if I was still clinging to the past. Let it go. We, as humans, will hold so tightly to a situation that we blow it entirely out of proportion. We feel we must take action at all times, because if we don't do it, it won't get done. We take matters into our own hands, and start mettling in the universes job and wonder why things are so screwed up. Just let it be. If something ends, let it end. If something great happens, just let it be great. Enjoy the good moments without smothering them and feel the bad moments without wallowing in them. There is no reward in waging war inside your own head over situations that are temporary and out of your control. Ask yourself these questions- Does my best self deserve to be treated the way I am being treated? Does wallowing in this situation serve myself any good? You need to trust yourself and the universe enough to know that you are capable of so much more. Never settle for less out of fear of having nothing. I see so many beautiful, strong women settling for less than they deserve. I am a woman who will not allow herself to settle just because something is convenient. I want more than that out of life. I want someone who will fearlessly run with me in the direction of our craziest dreams. I will run alone until I find that person, I am not ashamed of that. I will not settle for less, you shouldn't either.
Align yourself accordingly and reach for your highest goals, the universe will rise to meet you there. ♡
