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Isn't it strange that when tragedy hits we suddenly become very interested in that person's life. I do it too. We all turn and look at the car accident, but don't ever wish it was us. We just want to slow down traffic enough so we can get a good look at the damage and then continue on with our day. And then maybe one day, it is us in the accident. What do we do then? I want to open the door and let you inside my own personal chaos. Before my husband passed away, I was the person who looked at other peoples tragedies and felt hurt for them but also was quick to say "Well I would have done this.." I was wrong, so very wrong. I want to make one thing completely clear, you have no idea what you would do when you lose your spouse, your child, or your friend. You have no idea what it feels like to be an addict, battle depression, or struggle with anxiety. If you haven't been there, you don't know. Even if you have been there, everyone's struggle is so unique. I can't even talk to another widow and assume I understand, because I don't. If you would have asked me when I got married, "What would you do if Joe died?" I would have liked to believe I would be a great widow.. Standing completely alone, strong, and graceful until I was reunited with him. But that wasn't the case when the reality hit. I wasn't the person I hoped to be. These are struggles I wouldn't wish on anyone. The battles that are waged inside your own head are confusing and utterly exhausting. Writing this was incredibly hard. Some of the things I write, I have never admitted outloud. I want to share it now because if you have felt loss I want you to know that whatever you're feeling is ok. No one can tell you how to grieve. Do not be ashamed of anything you feel or think. If you haven't felt loss, I hope this helps you to spread compassion rather than judgement when someone is handling a situation differently then you think you would. I learned this lesson the hard way. Everyone hurts differently.. this is how the loss of my husband changed me. Individual real thoughts that I have often are listed out below. Sparactic and separate, just as they naturally flow from my mind. An honest look inside my head. _________ I work very hard to be happy.. but if I'm too happy then I feel guilty. It's like when I start to even out and feel normal I have a voice in my head that says "But he died.." And suddenly nothing is quite as happy as it once was. Although, I honestly have hope this guilt will pass in time. I am extremely self conscious about what others think. People wondering "Oh wow... it's been 2 years and she's still dealing with this, move on.".. Yes, I am still dealing with it. Hurt this deep comes on in layers. Everyday I find a new uncharted layer of hurt. Or people may think "Its only been two years and look at her posting pictures on Instagram like shes fine.." I worry people think I'm not being a good widow and I'm disrespecting my husband's memory. I know people are judgmental, its human nature. I had people who showed up in my life because it was the "right" thing to do.. not because they actually cared about me. Worse, I had people show up in my life because they were nosey and wanted to know what happened then they left... and I also lost real friends. That is one of the things that shocked me most. I lost my best friend since preschool because my husband died. That sentence hurts. That destroyed me on a level I can not even explain to you. I have since forgiven, but it still hurts. It also shead light on who my true friends were. I had people who really stepped up to the plate and I appreciate them so much. I have unfortunately met people who were unkind to me because they didn't understand depression. Instead of getting angry and trying to explain to them my point of view, I simply said "I pray you never understand how I'm feeling, and if you do, I hope you meet someone kinder than you". Not everyone is nice or compassionate. Some will think you're overreacting, or a burden. They will look at your life from the outside and pass judgment on a world they know nothing about. Pray for these people, and move on. I fantise about what my life would be if Joe hadn't died. I bet we'd have children by now.. Would I be happy? How would we have changed? Where would we be living? The "what if's" haunt me. I try to shut this thought process down when it starts. I focus on what is and how I can improve my reality now. I can't change the past. Why did it take my husband passing away to become healthy? I should have made him eat better and exercise more. Maybe that's why I'm so focused on health and wellness now. I carry so much guilt for not doing better back then. Meeting people who don't know I'm a widow is one of my favorite things. People who dont know they are supposed to feel sorry for me.. people that treat me like a normal person. But I often struggle with the "right moment" to slide the widow thing into conversation without looking like I'm asking for pity.. it's just a part of who I am. I am a widow, but that's not all I am. The kids.. I have 14 nieces and nephews who either never met their Uncle Joe or don't truly understand where he went. Their parents tell them to not mention Joe to me because they know it will upset me.. They ask questions that are so raw and innocent it rips your heart out. I'm an adult and I don't understand death, can you imagine being a child? I feel guilty when I talk about him.. like I'm making people uncomfortable or maybe it looks like I'm asking for attention.. and I feel guilty when I don't talk about him because maybe it looks like I have forgotten or I don't care anymore. It's neither.. these are new social rules for me. I don't always know how to talk or act in some conversations. My relationship with God/ The Universe has completely changed. I wake up every morning with the weight of the world on my chest because I am extremely aware of the fact that he isn't here anymore. I have to force myself to get up and live my life to the fullest. Dating feels like cheating sometimes, but I know I want to love again. I also fear that I'll never find someone who respects and understands my situation. I pray for my next husband. It must be hard to love a widow.. knowing that you weren't the first choice. He would have to be a special guy. I know I can love again, I imagine it will be like having more than one child.. you love them equally, just differently. I don't think there is any limit on how much a human can love. Sometimes I get so angry. I didn't ask for this life. Why did this have to happen to me? The anxiety attacks are the worst. A song, an anniversary, or just a mood can strike a nerve with me. Sometimes I feel it coming on, and other times it hits me like a ton of bricks. What has helped me is comparing it to a labor contraction. I don't have kids, but I can gather the idea from TV. I know this is going to hurt.. but I just hold on and sit through it. Its SO tempting to want to fall back on old bad habits to dull the hurt.. but its important to stay strong and remind yourself, this is temporary. The contraction is temporary.. I just need to be strong and sit with it. Feel it. I'm careful not to make too much contact with people during these times because I am afraid of either lashing out or being a burden. But I have found strength in dealing with them on my own. I have gotten good at reinventing myself. I sometimes want to be a different person, a person Joe wouldn't even recognize, so that I don't have to feel the guilt associated with moving on with my life. Would he like the person I'm becoming? I felt like I completely lost my identity when he left, so I have been trying to find myself since. It's been hard for me to talk to his family, I love them and they love me. But it can be a painful reminder of a life that is no longer mine. I see the silver lining. I have become a strong, intelligent, and more compassionate human because of what happened to me. I am able to cultivate a life that is entirely my own. I am given a tool to help others. I see the good in my situation. It's not sick or terrible to find the good in a bad situation. It is necessary for survival. When you lose someone weather it be a spouse, child, parent, or friend your life is forever changed. You will never be the person you were before. Your normal will never be the old normal. But that doesn't mean that your life can not be happy and beautiful. You should feel no guilt for continuing your life.. My purpose in loving Joe was not to love him for 4 years and then be miserable for the rest of my life because I lost him. He would not want that for me, that isn't what love is. My thoughts are unique to me and my situation. There is no right way to feel. You'll have good days and bad days, but it's important to stay true to yourself and honor your journey. Whatever your struggle may be, you can overcome it. ♡